"You are very self-critical" , so many people tell me. And also "You set the bar high for yourself". And they are right. And I keep questioning myself all the time. Therefor I find receiving (and giving) constructive feedback very important. Hence I also actively seek that feedback. And when I receive some, my self-critical but also studious side of me makes me - without thinking about it - pay more attention to 'my points for improvement' than to my 'strengths'. I just think that's logical... You don't need to work too much on what you do well, right?! (But opinions are divided on that, I know....)
So I"d like to think of myself as being receptive to feedback. That I take it to heart. That I reflect on it. And that I take it with me to grow.
Still, at occasions, that can be quite difficult!
A little while ago I received a lot of feedback in the context of a group exercise, doing duo-walks. Some very unexpected feedback came out of that exercise. And I don't mean it in a positive sense....
I didn't recognise myself in that feedback at all. And I really struggled with it for months. I couldn't/dared to be myself anymore.
It's only been a few weeks now that I've been able to let it go, and see it in the right perspective. I also now realise that I should have asked for clarification immediately, that I should have tried to understand where the feedback was coming from. And then it would have been a lot more valuable for both parties.
I am now a little more thoughtful and aware when I give feedback. Because I'm also guilty : those moment that I've provided feedback, where my emotions (read frustrations) took the upper hand. Times I was not at all focusing on the development of that other person, but rather venting my own frustrations, or projecting my own ways. And I often reflect on how 'wrong' I have handled things back then.
So actually... I did grow from that difficult feedback session after all! So it actually has been valuable. And that's what it's about. GROWING.
Truly valuable feedback must be fully - for 100% - about that other person! It's not about how you think the other person should be, how you think the other person should change to see more how you would like it to be. But it's all about how the other, within his / her individuality, can grow and develop.
And that is quite difficult. It also requires a lot of trust between both parties. And if that trust basis is there, then it is OK for feedback to be direct; then the message does not have to be framed (read 'pampered'), then the words do not have to be weighed and weighed. Because you know that the comments are given with the very best of intentions.
I have been fortunate to have known a few colleagues where this trust is present. Where a completely open dialogue is possible, where constructive feedback is given. And where it's totally OK to deep dive into it.
I hope you have those colleagues too!
You know, a lot has been written and said about how to give feedback; there are tons of courses about it. So who am I to give more or new tips here?
Actually I only have one: giving feedback is NOT about you. Not at all. It's about THE OTHER! And if you're not ready to do it this way... better don't! Really, don't!
I mostly remember :
In the end, you decide what you do with the feedback you receive. Or what you don't do with it. 'The force is within you!'
You may find following interesting read :
Waarom om feedback vragen dom is (in dutch, this one, but too good not to share it)
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